Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
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I’M CRYINGGG
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Self-cleaning conscience
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow