An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
You Might Also Like
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)