Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
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when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.