No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
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Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes