Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
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WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
just pretend nothing happened
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Yeah. This was me today.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help