My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
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Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real