Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
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Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
They did not think through this water fountain
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*