In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
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Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.