Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
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When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”