yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
You Might Also Like
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
how to exercise your calf muscles
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar