[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
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One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
me: my friends:
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.