Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
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Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
A family that plays together cheats.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.