Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
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“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
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I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”