There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
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If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
“Why you watching this shit?”
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac