Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
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My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
X-tra spooky blend
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah