Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
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If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean