My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
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I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.