Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
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God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
notice
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
This is a whole mood;
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign