ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
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I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.