me as a parent
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Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Dolls on drugs
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.