If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
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Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Smooooooth
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.