Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
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SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.