If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
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Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.