Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
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My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
You got this…
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button