Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
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In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
WHY?!
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.