Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
You Might Also Like
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.