Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
You Might Also Like
I hate when that happens.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf