You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
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Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement