My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
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I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos