Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
You Might Also Like
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
S M O L
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.