If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
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Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Reporter: *ports again*
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle