The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
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I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.