Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
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Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Who says great literature is dead?
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand