Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
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[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.