Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
You Might Also Like
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Yup….perfect score!
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
I could NOT have put it better myself.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
This meeting could have been a cake
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.