sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
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Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar