Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
You Might Also Like
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Put this video in the Louvre
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.