🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
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The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
I’m not average. I’m mean.
I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.