Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
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Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
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People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.