“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
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“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Breaking news:
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
same bro
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.