Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
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Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Free him
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.