Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
You Might Also Like
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
There is no try. There is only give up.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Just so funny
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…