Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
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Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
How do you like your Corgi?
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids