Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
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If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.