Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
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My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
*gets down on one knee*
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
anyone else like Italian cereal
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”