No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
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God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
our love story in four pictures
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?