Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
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My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
So sick of all these stupid rules
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”