[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
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If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.