Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
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#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*