People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
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I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
watergate? u mean a dam??
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.